The Modern AU Iliad - Jessica Liong

Part 0:


[9/6/2014 Sat. 16:23:48]


wanna join the football team?


[9/6/2014 Sat. 16:24:11]

… who r u


[9/6/2014 Sat. 16:24:19]

oh srry lol I’m Odysseus. I’m a senior. rumor has it ur a good qtrbck


[9/6/2014 Sat. 16:25:04]



[9/6/2014 Sat. 16:25:14]

u should join Agamemnon is our cap


[9/6/2014 Sat. 16:25:20]


i don’t even know who that is


[9/6/2014 Sat. 16:25:29]

rumor also has it that u and pat r gay


notahero has logged out


[9/6/2014 Sat. 17:00:02]

tryouts are on monday after school c u!


Part 1:


Achilles shrugged, shifting his position on his not-boyfriend’s lap and rolling over onto his back


so he could look up at him. “Yeah, my mom doesn’t think I should join ‘cause she’s convinced I’m gonna like, die on the field someday or something.”


“You could tell that to Odysseus,” Patroclus suggested. “No, that’s lame.”

“Do you want to join?”


“It’d be kinda cool, I guess. Make a name for myself. Whatever.”


“Or you could not join and have more free time to hang out with me.” “Yeah, that’d be cool. I’m probably gonna join though.”

“Well then.”


Achilles grinned and poked the other boy’s cheek. “You should join too.” “Ha. Ha. Good one, Achilles.”

“I dunno, be a manager or something. You could spend more time with me that way~”


“... eh.”






Part 2:


Odysseus nudged his friend in the ribs. “I told you he’d come.”


Agamemnon grunted.


“You could act a bit happier, you know.”


The two approached Achilles, who was looking a bit lost on where to go. “I hear you think you’re all that,” Agamemnon said by way of greeting.


“That’s bull,” Achilles responded. “I am all that.” “So you’ll fight for me?”

“I’ll fight for me and lead your team to victory but you’re not my captain and you’ll never be my captain because I’m awesome and I’ll do what I want so there.”


Agamemnon shot an irritated look at Odysseus. Odysseus shrugged. “Also I want Pat to be the manager of this team.”

Part 3:


“But you’ll die,” Thetis protested.


“Thanks for the support, Mom, but I already made the team so there’s not much we can do about

that anymore.”


Part 4:


CheaterDude: hey did u hear that the Trojans stole Menelaus’ gf?


Me: wtf how do high school students steal a girl call the police or something


CheaterDude: no we’re playing them in a few weeks so we’ll get her back then


Me: wtf????


CheaterDude: and did you really put me as “cheaterdude” in your contacts?


Me: u creep i literally just got ur number from Diomedes yesterday and u weren’t even there how the hell do you know what i put u as?


CheaterDude: i have my ways ;)


Part 5:


“So yeah, it’s an away game at Troy High,” Achilles idly played with his not-boyfriend’s hair. “You’re coming, right?”


Patroclus cuddled closer in a very platonic fashion. “I’m sort of the manager. So like I kinda have



“Cool. We’re gonna get back Helen because apparently she’s worth as much as a football game.” “Football guys are weird.”

“Tell me about it. But our team is strong. Ajax is a freaking tank, and then there’s me.” “I heard Hector’s pretty good.”

“Eh. I can take him.”


Part 6:


[9/15/2014 Mon. 18:13:26]





[9/15/2014 Mon. 18:14:04]

oh hey pat

lol i was just replying to your like 300 texts

we just raided the town not the school

don’t worry


[9/15/2014 Mon. 18:14:30] WTF ISN’T THAT ILLEGAL AND YOU STOLE A GIRL????


[9/15/2014 Mon. 18:14:44]

i mean… they took helen so… OH lol fun story

i got the girl :D her name is Briseis wanna meet her?


[9/15/2014 Mon. 18:16:01]



Part 7:


Pat: Achilles I swear to god if you’re out raiding Troy again…


Me: we got dis chick Chryseis :D


Part 8:


[Email sent 9/16/2014 6:15:32]



I am Chryses, the father of Chryseis. You might know her as the girl you and your football team kidnapped during your “raid” of our peaceful town of Troy. I am willing to ignore this outrageous act and keep the au- thorities out of it provided you return her as soon as possible.


This is a generous offer, and you would do well to comply. Know that should you not return her you incur the wrath of Apollo, our town mayor.

I am sure you will make the right decision. Sincerely,

Chryses, Trojan priest of Apollo


[Email sent 9/16/2014 18:00:00]


Chryses, Suck it.

Agamemnon, ‘15


Part 9:


“Agamemnon’s being a moron and a douche so I’m not playing for the team anymore,” Achilles grumbled, picking at his dinner. “Also he took Briseis. Also like half the guys randomly got sick.”


Thetis looked very pleased about this.


“Hey, you’re like weirdly related to my school’s principal, right? Can you ask him to do something to make the team suffer more?”


“Aww, sweetie, I’d be happy to.” Part 10:








Part 11:


CheaterDude: it was such bull


Me: idc


CheaterDude: paris totally cheated

got like his mom or someone to bail him out

and now they’re all saying it doesn’t count as Menelaus’ win so we don’t get back Helen

and Menelaus got sort of injured



Me: stop texting me


Part 12:






Part 13:


CheaterDude: no one won :(


Me: i’m going to block you


Part 14:


“Dude, Agamemnon apologized, why don’t you just play for them again?” Patroclus blinked, put- ting on his puppy dog face. “They need you.”


Achilles pointedly looked away (for if he gazed into those puppy dog eyes he knew he would never be able to say no) and growled, “I’m not playing for them again until the Trojans storm right into my house. Or your house. Or until Hector personally offends me.”


“That’s a bit specific.”


“Shut up, Pat.”


“Rude. No platonic bed sharing tonight for you.” Part 15:

Achilles: Pat wanna do me a favor?


Me: what


Achilles: after school today can u go see how the team’s doing?


Me: what no you go Achilles: pleeeeeeaaase? Me: no

Achilles: we can make out afterwards?


Me: fine


Part 16:


“You guys look awful,” Patroclus observed, standing on the sidelines and watching his former

team practice.


Nestor gave a really inspiring speech. Patroclus was moved.


Part 17:


“I’m gonna do the thing,” Hector declared. “Hector, don’t do the thing,” Paris cried.

Part 18:


Pat: so tomorrow’s the game


Me: so it is


Pat: i think you should play


Me: no


Pat: everyone’s gonna hate you


Me: no they’ll hate Agamemnon because he’s a douche


Pat: no they’ll hate you


Me: nyehh


Pat: I could dress up as you and pretend to be you so people don’t hate you


Me: I’m listening


Part 19:


Patroclus did okay until he was tackled and crushed by at least nine Trojans. He was promptly sent to the emergency room.

Part 20:


Achilles stepped on the field. The crowd roared. He gazed to the other end of the field, where the Trojan team was watching him carefully. His eyes narrowed when he spotted the man who had killed/injured his not-boyfriend.




Part 21:


Odysseus: hey Pat! hope ur doing better

so the good news is we won

the bad news is Achilles almost killed Hector and also publicly humiliated him by dragging his unconscious

body around the field until authorities stepped in

it was pretty rough your bf’s a badass


Me: ikr


Part 22:


Dear Mister Priam,


I am writing this letter to you to apologize for my behavior on Friday’s football game. I gave your son, Hec- tor, enough injuries to send him to the hospital, and I also dragged his body around the field several times afterwards. I realize now that that was inappropriate and I am very sorry.



Achilles, ‘16



Part 23:


“You got expelled,” Thetis shrieked.


Achilles scratched his cheek. “At least I didn’t die like you said I would, right?” Part 24:

Achilles: hey pat u wanna hang out Saturday?


Me: i can’t move my body


Achilles: I was thinking I could come to you we could watch a movie?




Me: that’d be pretty cool


Achilles: cool see you then <3


Part 25:


While the two were cuddling, both got several text messages from Odysseus complaining about how long it was taking him to get home.


It was a little weird considering it had already been more than a week since the game. Part 26:

CheaterDude: oops accidentally rear-ended someone

he has an eyepatch!

brb gonna have some fun with this one