“What’s your name?”
“Roach.”
“Roach?”
“Roach.”
“As in cockroach?”
“As in roach.”
“First name?”
“Maddox.”
“Maddox Roach.”
“Yes.”
“Place of residence?”
“Manhattan, New York.”
“What street?”
“West 12th.”
“Age?”
“108.”
“Why are you here?”
“See Albert Camus.”
“Favorite food?”
“Strawberries.”
“Ultimate goal in life?”
“Don’t know.”
“Least favorite author?”
“Vladimir Nabokov.”
“Any particular reason?”
“No.”
“Date of birth?”
“January 7th, 1904.”
“Time of birth?”
“12:04 a.m.”
“Least favorite band.”
“Motley Crue.”
“Relationship and/or marriage?”
“None.”
“Alive?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think this gimmick effective for a creative piece?”
“No.”
“Will people like it?”
“Who knows.”
“Family?”
“Great-grandmother. That’s it.”
“Have someone besides her you love deeply?”
“Yes.”
“Do you think the author of this piece will explore that point?”
“No, he’s young and inexperienced and finds that task daunting, and besides, he’s not a brilliant writer.”
“Sex?”
“Male.”
“Born that way?”
“Yes.”
“Intend to die that way?”
“Yes.”
“Sexual orientation.”
“Straight.”
“Race.”
“Caucasian.
“Religion?”
“None.”
“Friends?”
“Long story.”
“Who am I?”
“Fuck knows, you’re probably some indescribable, inexplicable, meaningless figure the author pulled out of the air for lack of any other ideas.”
“Who are you, then?”
“Something similar.”
“Occupation?”
“Referee.”
“What kind?”
“Soccer.”
“Nationality.”
“American.”
“Mental state?”
“I’ll send you my diary.”
“Will this be accepted?”
“I hope so.”
“It’s not a deep or thoughtful piece.”
“I’m aware. The author’s running out of ideas.”
“That’s unfortunate.”
“That it is.”
“Alma mater?”
“William and Mary.”
“Graduate degrees?”
“MBA, NYU.”
“Favorite activity.”
“Soccer and wallowing in my lack of motivation and contemplating on the meaning of life and then realizing how silly I am for doing that.”
“Do you think the author takes himself too seriously?”
“Yes.”
“I mean, how does one even read a piece like this out loud?”
“One of many of this piece’s faults.”
“Do you think this kind of negativity and lack of self-confidence the author is projecting through this dialogue is helpful?”
“No. Again, he’s not the Great American Author.”
“Have you ever felt at all attracted to a man?”
“Yes.”
“Preferred music?”
“Classic rock and alternative.”
“Favorite city?”
“New York.”
“Do you think this piece even has a chance at making it at this point?”
“Not likely.”
“When does the piece end?”