Monday through friday, wake up early, go to school, head to football practice; lift
weights at the gym, go for a run during your free time. Saturday: play well in your football game
so you can get a D1 college scholarship; watch some college football; aspire to be like them
some day; head to the gym again; eat well at dinner. Spend the next day watching more football,
this time the NFL, where I know you want to go; lie on the couch all day with your dad and other
friends; talk about Super Bowl predictions; curse regularly. Dress in preppy brands like Vineyard
Vines and Polo, if not, Nike or Under Armour; for shoes, wear Sperry’s or Vans; name brand
clothing is very important. Don’t wear low-cut socks to school. Study hard, but play harder,
because I know you want to go to the NFL. Talk confidently with a deep voice; don’t giggle with
a high voice; always speak as if you are right. Stay humble, but don’t doubt that you are going to
play in the NFL, because that is where I know you want to go. Be loud; be funny. This is how
you talk to someone you don’t like; this is how you talk to someone you don’t know; this is how
you talk with your football teammates; this is how you talk to your teachers; this is how you talk
to someone you like. You are not a girl; don’t wear makeup, unless it is eye black for football
games; don’t sway your hips when you walk; don’t play field hockey; don’t wear short shorts.
This is how you throw a football; this is how you catch a baseball; this is how you shoot a
hockey puck; this is how you shoot a basketball. Be like a redwood tree; strong, tall, unmovable,
something that people look up to. You must be like a redwood tree to go to the NFL, which is
where I know you want to go. If you don’t go to the NFL, nevertheless go to a Division I school
for football, you’ll end up being a bush amongst many other bushes.